By: Breana Ross
As I sat across from my advisor for my service program (Written in My Soul) in November, I tried to convince her that I was not stressed, I was just drained. I told her how I felt like I was always being pulled in a thousand different directions from my service organization, to making sure my producers could always count on me for UMTV, to my school work, and my personal life. I was always making sure everything and everyone else was ok which left me feeling drained. She said to me, “If you pour everything you have into the world, you’ll eventually be left with nothing.” And that has been the theme of my year.
Everyone has vices. Mine happen to be things many people would consider positive: sympathy, compassion, and the tendency to try to see the best in people. They are deceptively fatal flaws of mine. They are both blessings and curses.
I spent my year doing many things that I’m proud of but they did not come without a cost. I was so busy making sure my organization ran smooth, my UMTV producers could depend on me, and that I showed up to everything I promised people I would. I was so afraid to fail someone or something that I wound up failing someone very important: myself. I ignored my own feelings of tiredness and depletion so I could pour into everything I was doing and promised to do. And it came at the expense of my own happiness at times.
In my relationships I strived to see the best in people. I always have. I convinced myself that others’ intentions were good, so much so that I was not able to protect my heart like I should have. I fully gave my heart and my trust to people who did not deserve it, and proved that they didn’t time and time again. I learned that, though words hold a lot of meaning for me, people’s actions say much more. I learned that my gut instincts are hardly ever wrong and that even after years of practice I still struggle to let go when it’s time. But most importantly I learned that I do deserve the same love, care, and consideration that I give others, which is something I think I’ve subconsciously doubted.
That conversation with my advisor has replayed in my mind so many times since it occurred. She wasn’t telling me to stop caring about people and loving people and putting my all into everything I do and everyone I love. But there must be a balance that also includes caring for and protecting myself. It’s about gently reminding yourself and others that you, your feelings, and your time should be valued. It’s about having an ounce more of self-respect that enables you to put yourself closer to the top of your priority list. She looked at me as if she saw pieces of herself in everything I was saying and ended with, “I hope you get back everything you put into the world. You deserve it.” I nodded my head. Me too. And this year, I will.
Breana Ross 